New Name

 We spent the weekend out of town visiting family.  Monkey did something he was not suppose to do and had to go to time-out. The entire time he was in time-out he was screaming my favorite name "Mama".  In the middle of this fit, I was asked if I wanted to change my name.  My answer came without thinking, "NO!"  Before I even met Jason, an email going around would have all these questions about yourself that you answer and then send to your friends.  One of the questions was "What is your biggest fear?".  I would always answer that my biggest fear was never being called "Mama".  Being blessed with two children who call me "Mama" is an answer to many prayers so NO I don't want my name changed.

 This past week and especially this weekend my thoughts and mind has been with my friend, her husband, and their family because their sweet 16 week old baby died.  This past Saturday, they had to do what no parent should ever have to do and that is bury their child.  He died before he was able to wrap his sweet arms around her neck, kiss her, and say "I love you mama."  She will never hear that sweet baby call her "mama" so NO I don't want my name changed.

 Being the adoptive parent of an older foster child who remembers her biological mother, I longed for her to acknowledge me as her Mama.  It wasn't until last Christmas that she started calling me "Mama" and Jason "Daddy".  At first, it didn't bother me but after her adoption when she was still calling me Judi and her bio mom "my real mom", I must admit it hurt. The first time she called me "Mama" without hesitation, I cried so NO I don't want my name changed!

 We are surrounded by people, including ourselves, with infertility issues who have longed, dreamed, prayed, and cried for a baby but for whatever reason can't have one or can't have a baby survive the pregnancy and would give anything to be called "Mama" so NO I don't want my name changed!

 I don't care if my children call for "Mama" a 1,000 times a day because every time they say "Mama", it is my prayers being answered.  When they say "Mama", it is my fears being overcome with God's blessings.  When they say "Mama", my heart swells, my face smiles, my ears dance.  I will never grow tired of "Mama" and will NEVER want my name changed!!  I love my children and the name they have given me!

The Tale of Two Mothers

There are two mothers.  They are very different but share the love of one precious boy.  One mother conceived him, carried him in her womb, and delivered him.  She felt him grow in her.  She felt him kick.  She felt the pain of contractions.  She shares her genetics with him.  

The other mother doesn't share genetics but she shares his thoughts, dreams, loves, and beliefs.  She never felt the pain of contractions but she knows the pain of watching him struggle after a severe egg allergy.  She knows the pain of every hurt he has felt and every sickness he has had. She knows the pain of sitting up in the middle of the night praying over him as he is struggling to breathe due to an asthma attack.  She knows the pain of watching him cry with a confused look on his face as he is being taken away for a visit.  She never felt him grow in her but she has watched him grow from the time he was 2 days old and she brought him home from the hospital. 

One mother will get the privilege of watching him continue to grow, develop, and become the person God created him to be.  The other mother will say goodbye forever tomorrow.  

I must admit up until the last court date all I focused on was our family and getting our forever baby.  As I sat in court on a row full of people who love S with all their hearts, and looked over at the other mother sitting by herself on what had to be one of the hardest days of her life, my heart broke for her.  I couldn't imagine what she was feeling as she agreed to let us adopt him knowing she would never get to see him except maybe at Walmart or somewhere in town.  The thought of that broke my heart but also made me happy because that means he is going to be forever ours!  Tomorrow as he sees his other mother for the last time, yes I will be happy that there will be no more dreaded visit days, but I will be praying for her as she goes through the worse day of her life.  I will pray she will not let this be the end of her life but the beginning.  I pray she will know that he will forever and always be loved and cared for!  I pray for two children who will never get to see their brother again.  I pray for them as they go through life knowing they have a brother out there.  I pray for S that he will know he is loved by two women and that he is where God wants him.  

"However motherhood comes to you, it's a miracle." Valerie Harper, Adoptive Parent

Back to the Real World

Tomorrow I go back to work! 😢😥😩😭 I remember when I first started teaching, I was so excited about going back to work.  I would spend a month before school dreaming about how my room was going to look and what I was going to do in my room.  I would spend all day everyday that we were allowed back in the building, before we had to, setting everything up.  Then I took on a new label of Mommy and I have yet to dream about my classroom.  I didn't spend but a few hours 3 days last week working in my room, and I am on the verge of tears just thinking about having to go back.  I LOVE staying home with my kids and would do anything if I could.  I have had the honor of watching my children grow so much this summer.  Hannah has learned new things such as making a beautiful scarf, making a delicious dessert, and many other things.  Monkey is learning and saying new things everyday.  He took swimming lessons this summer.  His vocabulary has exploded.  He says "amen, happy, bible, kitty" and a lot more.  He is also saying complete sentences. I hate the idea that I'm not going to be with him as he continues to learn new things.  What I hate the most about going back to work is having to do work at home.  It really bothers me that I have to tell Hannah I can't play with her or miss out on holding and caring for S because I have to do schoolwork.  If I decide to play or care for my kids, then I constantly have the list of work stuff in the back of my mind so I can't really enjoy my time with my kids.   I am really going to try to do all my work at school and bring nothing home.  

Don't get me wrong, I do look forward to seeing what students I will have the privilege of teaching this year.  I can't wait to watch them grow and learn new things and I will be positive, loving, and nurturing to my students.  I will treat them all as though I have a room full of Hannah's and S's.  I will remember that I could be the only positive in their lives.  I will be the best teacher and Mommy that I can be!

Hannah's new scarf that she made on the drive home from Walmart.Hannah's delicious Oreo Goodness

Hannah and S at Tryon Palace.  We had an awesome vacation in New Bern and surrounding areas.

Snuggling with Scout because we took his paci away.

Monkey with his new lunch box. He is growing up way too fast!!!!  His food allergies is another reason I would love to stay home with him.  It makes me so nervous that he is going to eat something  he is not suppose to eat or get cross contamination with foods he can't eat.  He broke out this summer after I ate a cupcake at church and went to mom's to get Monkey and kissed him.  I will be praying daily that I don't get a call about him having an allergic reaction.

Thank You, God!

Thank You, God!

The Simple Things In Life

This weekend I have become aware that we are wasting so much money on buying toys for the Monkey.  He is so happy playing with simple things instead of the expensive toys he has.  He will spend 15-30 minutes taking things out of my purse and putting it back in.  He has spent a long time two different times within the past week playing with coupons. I really think his favorite toy is a water bottle followed very closely by baoons (balloons).  He got so upset Sunday because Hannah, Roxanna, and Lanie didn't want him with them so we bought him a balloon.  He played and played with that thing.  He ended up popping it but loved every second he had with his baoon.  He even had the cashier and a few customers commenting on how he was reacting.  Before going to Walmart Sunday, Monkey and I caught lightening bugs for the first time.  He was so excited and it was even raining. Monkey had the best time tonight playing with the pots and lids.  He discovered bubbles this week and LOVES them along with the rest of us.  He will spend hours "reading" books.  It looks like God has blessed us with two readers. Hannah's favorite things to do is read and make things with Duck Tape.  I think I will learn from my kids and start enjoying the similar things in life.  

I read the below picture this weekend while I was holding A sleeping Monkey.

He never let his baoon get far from him!

Playing with coupons!

Chasing bubbles!

Enjoying homemade blueberry bread and smiling at Lanie!

Sitting in his $8 Elmo chair playing with a water botle.

Talking to Scout!

Watching Winnie-the-Pooh!

I Can't Imagine

I have spent tonight holding S and thanking God for giving him to us. We are getting so close to terminating his bio mom's rights and any named/unnamed fathers.  He should only have one visit left and then we will move on closer to the end of the road of adoption.  I have said on this blog and on Facebook that ______ was the worst/hardest day of my life.  The ______ could have been a visit day or something with his allergies, eczema, asthma, etc but I have been so blessed that I could call those my worst days.  Within the past two days, I have read about a family who adopted a little girl, cut her umbilical cord, brought her home from the hospital, loved her as their own for over a year, only to have her ripped from their lives and placed with her bio father that she did not know.  That would be the worst day!!!  I can't even imagine how the past 2 years have been for them and their little girl.  I know how awful it is for Monkey to have to go to visits even with us promising him he will be back in a few hours and him knowing the people he was going with. At least when Monkey leaves for a visit, I know he  is coming home.  I can't imagine the fear this child has gone through and the heartbreak of her parents.  I have also read of families who are having to watch their children/babies die of cancer.  That too would be the worst day to be told that your baby has cancer.  We have also learned that a close friend has cancer.  Another worst would be learning that after tons of tests the doctors can't explain why you can't get pregnant and why the two times you have the babies have not lived.  These would be the worst days of anyone's life.  I feel so blessed that God has given me Hannah and Monkey.  I will take visit day, breathing treatments, and any other thing we have had to endure to NEVER have to face the horrible things other people are going through.  Thank you Lord for blessing our lives with these two miracles!

Now a few pictures of our precious, healthy miracles.

Final day of swim lessons!

My beautiful nieces and my babies!

My Smurf girl and my thinker!

Sibling LOVE!!!!

Life with a Child with Food Allergies

This title may become a new blog for me as I am learning that life with a child with food allergies is a whole new world.  It is a SCARY world!!!!  We went out to eat last night and discussed how service and even food taste is now behind how we are treated in regards to S's allergies in our list of pros/cons for restaurants.  Since finding out about S being severely allergic to eggs we have had many restaurants that have been wonderful in helping us find something Monkey can eat and making sure he does not get anything with eggs.  Some of the best were Chick-fil-a, Fuddruckers, Santana's, Dick's Drive-in, Di'lishi, Captian Tom's, Wendy's, Dippers, Pizza Hut, and Papa John's.  Some of these places have told us they were not sure about something we were going to get S and told us to pick something else.  I totally appreciate and respect this.  However, we have  found one KFC in Eden that tried to kill him. We went in our local KFC (Eden, NC) on June 7th at lunchtime with our 11 year old and 16 month old.  Our 16th month old has a severe egg allergy.   There were only about 3 people eating in the restaurant and no one in line.  We asked if the chicken had egg in it.  The cashier didn't know and asked the manager.  The manager, very rudely, told us that none of their chicken had egg, it just had seasoning on it. We also asked about peanut oil because we have been told to avoid nuts.  The manager was very rude and let us know by her words and actions that she didn't want to be bothered by our questions.  It was so obvious that our 11 year old picked up on it and said, "I'm sorry we are just trying to not have to use his EpiPen."  My husband ordered the chicken bites and shared with our 16 month old.  He started breaking out with red dots around his mouth so we gave him Benadryl and stopped feeding him.   That night my husband got on the internet to file a complaint about the manager, and was livid when he saw the allergy list on KFC website which showed that what we gave our son, because the manger told us it did not have eggs, in fact did.  He filed a complaint stating what happened, that we would never be back, and asked to be contacted.  While discussing our situation with friends (we have told everyone) we were told that a friend who can not have gluten was told that one of their chicken from the same restaurant we dealt with did not have gluten in it and it did causing him to get very sick.  We got a form letter today apologizing for the inconvenience (the possibility of my child dying is more than an inconvenience) and 10 $1 gift certificates (they are in the trash can).  The letter does not say anything about the situation being addressed so I called the number on the letter and spoke to the owner.  He started trying to tell me that the chicken did not have eggs.  I informed him that was not what the KFC website said.  I told him that if the Benadryl had not worked, we would have been suing them.  I tried to make him understand that this is a life or death situation as we have been told by the doctor that he could stop breathing the next time he gets eggs.  The owner replied with, "in all our years of operation, we have never had an issue with eggs."   He never came out and said they would do better training their staff about allergies so I am even madder and more concerned than I was before.  I am terrified for other people with food allergies having an even worse experience than we did.  I hope and pray it doesn't take someone dying before this owner and manager takes it as the serious matter that it is and does a better job informing their staff about allergies. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting

S had his monthly visit with his birth family Monday and it was as bad as we all feared it would be.  As soon as the social worker walked in the room, S started crying.  He was clinging to me so I had to walk him to the van, buckle him in (very hard to do because he was screaming/crying and trying his best to get out), kiss him on the head, reassure him 100 times that Mommy would be here when he got home (praying the whole time that he came back home), and walk away to the sound of him crying uncontrollably.  Yes I was crying by the time I got back in the house.  The social worker said he had the snobs from crying so much by the time they got on 770.  She also said it was difficult for him there because everyone was there and were trying their best to get his attention.  His cousin bothered him too much so he just bit her.  I know it has to be so confusing to him because they call themselves the same thing he KNOW us as and they call him something totally different from what we do.  My heart aches for him when he has to go on a visit.  I said that as I was putting him in the van and telling him I would be here when he got home, I was praying he would come home.  If you remember a few years ago a social worker and some foster children were blown up in the house while visiting a bio parent, so this is a fear of mine. When I am home on visit day I try to stay as busy as possible because if not I am eating everything in sight.  Monday I cleaned the shower and replanted some basil and a flower.  Each minute of the clock that ticks by after we were told he should be back is so nerving.  Yes I spend a lot of time on visit days talking to God.  He came home from his visit, had a bath, lunch, and a long nap.  As usual he was very clingy when he got back and was not happy when I got out of his sight.  After we put him in the bed for the night, he had a HORRIBLE asthma attack so I spent most of the night in the rocking chair in his room holding him. 
I titled this post waiting, waiting, waiting because that is what we are doing for his bio mom's rights to be terminated.  She has been served papers saying they were going to be terminated and were hoping the TPR court date would be before July 15 (next visit day) but that is not the case.  They are waiting until DSS has time to run the ad in the paper to try one last thing to locate his bio father.  His guardian told me tonight that they think TPR will be August 8th so that means he will have just one more visit and then that chapter of his little life will be OVER.  I will be soooooo glad when that happens.  Those days are just too difficult for him and needs to end!!!!!!  We know it will still be a while once TPR happens before his adoption his finalized and we are okay with that.  We just want his visits to be over so he does not have to go through that stress every month.  Here are a few pictures of him from this week.  He has really started climbing on everything.  In the pictures he is climbing in the new water table we got the kids.  He definitely is our silly monkey!!

Dreaded Day!

When we signed up to be Foster parents, we did not know about visit day.  Yes we heard a foster parent talk about visits and how she would do shared parenting on panel night but we did not have anyone tell us about how most foster children are affected by visit day.  When we had our first H, we HATED visit days because she would come back sad, mad, confused, etc.  During the summer, we had it set up where she would go to visits, come home for lunch, and we would then go straight to counseling.  When we got Hannah we HATED visit days because she would come back not thinking she had to listen to us.  She would also come back acting like a baby because they would carry her around as though she was one.  When we got Monkey, we thought visit days would not be as bad as they were with the two older girls.  Boy how we were WRONG because they are so much worse!!!!!!!  We now LOATHE visit days!!!!!!!  The day before and the morning of his visits, I just want to cry and put him in a bubble.  I would also LOVE to run away with him.  My heart breaks because I know how he is going to be when DSS shows up to get him.  We have been told by Ms. Mary that when Gloria would come to get Monkey or C from daycare that Monkey would go ballistic as soon as he heard her voice.  He now does the same thing with Mrs. Cynthia.  They told us he starts crying and makes a beeline to Ms. Mary.  He also starts shaking all over.  He has been doing this for months now.  Saturday we attended the yearly Foster Care picnic and he was totally fine until Ms. Gloria walked up.  As soon as he saw her he started crying, shaking, and was trying his best to come out of the high chair to get to me.  He started to cry another time during the afternoon when he saw her.  The times when he has been here and had to go on visits has torn up my nerves (Ms. Mary said visit days tears her nerves up too) because he starts clinging to me and crying.  When they would take him, he would look back at me crying like why are you letting them do this to me.  He did this the entire way to the car.  He would wake up happy, laughing, being his regular baby self but comes back VERY clingy and subdued.  He is a different baby until at least the next morning.  When he is home, we put him straight in the bathtub when he gets home from his visits.  When he is at daycare, we have to send a wash cloth for them to wash him off and clothes to change him into.  We started doing this when he came back several weeks clawing his skin.  One week was so bad that when Mom got him from daycare, she had to wash him off and they were both crying because he was clawing so much.  Are you starting to see why we hate visits?!?!?!
I hate knowing that he has a visit coming up because I know how awful it will be for him and as his mommy I want to protect him from as much hurt as possible.  He screams, cries, and shakes when he has to go to visits or when he sees the people that takes him on a visit.  I hate sending him to visits because I know how confusing it is to him.  I am the mommy that he knows, Hannah is the sissy that he knows, and Mom is the Nana that he knows.  I know it has to be very confusing to him to have another woman calling herself mom, someone else saying they are Nannie, and another little girl saying she is sissy.  There are also the aunt, great-grandma, brother, cousins, etc.  From what I have been told they are always trying to get him to perform instead of just letting him be himself.  They are all pulling and tugging on him, kissing him, and taking pictures of him.  The social worker told us that she was worn out after the last visit and she knew he had to be too.  I tell him over and over how much I love him and how sorry I am on the morning of visits.  I wish more than anything that I could snap my fingers and they would stop.  We, including the social worker and his guardian, are hoping that tomorrow is his last visit.  The court is VERY close to terminating his bio mom's rights and as soon as that happens he never has to go back for a visit.  Right now our main prayer is that visits will stop.  I hate what they do to him and I want him to not have to go back.  I didn't even mention the nervous wreck that I am in the entire time he is gone especially if he is one minute longer than when they said they would be back.  Visits are too nerve wracking for everyone so we are sooooooo ready for them to end. 

Another Update Post

It seems like all I use this for is updates.  As I said with my last post, I REALLY do hope to start back blogging on a more regular basis but since I have not done that this post will be another catch-up post.  What has changed since March?  Hannah has completed another successful year of school.  She made all A's & B's and ended up really enjoying 4th grade.  She is super excited about getting to go to her teacher's wedding in a week. 

 4th Grade Awards

It is so hard to believe that she will be a 5th grader when school starts back in August.  I have been thinking hard about where to send her for middle school and we still have not made that decision yet.  The girls say I should let her go to Bethany Middle but I don't know.  That will be added to our prayer list for her and we will do what God directs us to do.  I love having her in my school where I can see her throughout the day and know what all she is doing.  I also love being able to run and see her some on Field Day, PBIS celebrations, Award Day, and other events at the school.  I really will miss this when she goes to middle school.  Hannah has spent one week in Hickory with Mimi, Papa John, Uncle Matt, and Aunt Sherri and is looking forward to going back. 

She leaves for camp next Sunday and can't wait for that.  She has already read about 10 chapter books since school has been out.  I love that she LOVES reading!!!  We FINALLY had Hannah's 11th birthday party on May 18th.  She wanted to ride horses for her party and well that just is not possible in January so we waited till May to have it at Shady Creek Farm.

Monkey is all monkey or maybe I should say octopus.  We ofter wonder how he grab so many things so fast.  It really does seem like he has 8 arms.  He went from speed crawling to walking like an old man to running in a matter of a week or two.  He has not learned that he has to look down, pay attention to things around him, and maybe even step over some things so this has resulted in almost constant bruises to his head and face area and a few black eyes.  Dr. Burdine said he is convinced once kids start crawling they have a constant concussion until they are 2 or older.  I seriously think this will be true for him.  His vocabulary is growing everyday.  His most common words are apple, cracker, Pepper, tank you (thank you) and his favorite is BALL or baoon (balloon).  Every food is either apple or cracker and every animal is Pepper.  Ball is his last word at night and his first word in the morning.  He is very polite and will say tank you without being told to.  Monday he raised his hands to me and when I picked him up he gave me a huge hug and said tank you.  Needless to say it made my day!  We are having great fun trying to find foods he will eat that does not have eggs or nuts.  In case I didn't but it in another post S had a major allergic reaction to eggs one week after his first birthday party.  We ended up at the allergist where for the time being he only tested being allergic to eggs but I was told multiple times that as he gets older more most likely will be added so we are avoiding eggs, shellfish, nuts, etc.  We also found out that he has asthma so he is having breathing treatments two times a day and more if needed.  Monkey LOVES his daycare especially Ms. Mary and Addison.  We have been told several times that he was being "full of himself" and attacking all of his friends.  Yes my baby has already spent time in time-out and gotten bad reports from his teacher.  S is normally very loving but he can throw a temper just like anyone else.  He has sharp teeth and is not shy in using them.  Hannah must taste really good because she normally is his biting target.  He also has strong hands that love to pull hair, glasses, and skin.  We go back to court week this month.  His new social worker is hoping his birth mother's rights will be terminated so we can end visits.  Those days are awful.  He screams and shakes as soon as the social worker comes in to get him or another child for that matter.  It breaks my heart that he has to go through this and will be glad when it is all over and he is officially OURS!!!!!  I am so ready to be able to share his adorable face with the world and not just the back of his head.

May 24th was a hard day for us because we had to tell our beautiful nieces bye.  We are excited for them and their move to Greenville, SC but very sad for us that we won't get the see them and spend time with them like we have been doing.  Hannah said it best when she said that she felt like a piece of her heart had been taken away.  I feel the same way.   I was at the hospital on the day they were born, kept them a lot during the summer, and took them to school until Lanie went to 1st grade.  We have FaceTime with Lanie twice and that has helped some.  We are looking forward to when they will be here visiting or we can go there.                                                                                        

Long Time no Write

Well it has been a long time since I last posted.  A week to the day of Hannah's adoption we got a phone call from DSS around 3:15 and at 6 we were at the hospital bringing home a 2 day old precious baby boy.  S has been with us ever since.  He is spoiled rotten and in to everything but is precious beyond words.  His smile just lights up the room especially his "cheesy grin".  I hope to get back blogging but life is always busy with an 11 year old and a 1 year old.  Hannah is doing great in school.  She has completed another year of Upward Basketball.  She had a speaking part in the Christmas play at church and did really well.  She is in chorus at school and loves to draw.  I only wish she shared some of her drawings with us but she is making others happy by giving them away so I guess that will be okay.  In January, I signed up for "Made To Crave" bible study.  It is totally changed my life and made me much more aware to my addictions with food.  Each week we were given a word of the week.  I used those words to make a Wordle that I hope will attach to this post.
http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/6467207/Made_To_Crave