Missing My Grandparents

My grandparents were the best!  They taught me so much and I miss them more and more each day.  I would give anything if they could meet the gifts God gave me.  Papa would have loved watching Hannah play basketball today.  She was doing some awesome defense and made some great offense plays, as well.  S and Papa would have been best buddies.  I know they would have spent a lot of time in the shop together messing with Papa's train track. 
S started singing all the lullabies with me instead of going to sleep so last Sunday, I started singing, "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus" as his nighttime song.  Last night he decided to join in with me.  I got tears in my eyes because I know Grandma would have had the biggest grin on her face if she could have heard him.  I am blessed that I can pass down the things she taught me to my children.  I do often hear Grandma but it is normally a lecture like today when it was so cold, windy, and S was already wheezing.  I could clearly hear Grandma fussing because his head and ears were not covered.  It doesn't matter that he took his hood off, she still would have said something about him already wheezing and he is outside without his ears covered...he going to get the pneumonia.  I love my grandparents and so wish they could've loved my babies. 
I also had a wonderful Grandpa Williams who would have loved all his grandchildren.  He was so sweet, loving, patient, etc.  This weekend is Grandpa Williams heaven homecoming.  Miss and love these awesome grandparents and so thankful God let me be their granddaughter.

New Name

 We spent the weekend out of town visiting family.  Monkey did something he was not suppose to do and had to go to time-out. The entire time he was in time-out he was screaming my favorite name "Mama".  In the middle of this fit, I was asked if I wanted to change my name.  My answer came without thinking, "NO!"  Before I even met Jason, an email going around would have all these questions about yourself that you answer and then send to your friends.  One of the questions was "What is your biggest fear?".  I would always answer that my biggest fear was never being called "Mama".  Being blessed with two children who call me "Mama" is an answer to many prayers so NO I don't want my name changed.

 This past week and especially this weekend my thoughts and mind has been with my friend, her husband, and their family because their sweet 16 week old baby died.  This past Saturday, they had to do what no parent should ever have to do and that is bury their child.  He died before he was able to wrap his sweet arms around her neck, kiss her, and say "I love you mama."  She will never hear that sweet baby call her "mama" so NO I don't want my name changed.

 Being the adoptive parent of an older foster child who remembers her biological mother, I longed for her to acknowledge me as her Mama.  It wasn't until last Christmas that she started calling me "Mama" and Jason "Daddy".  At first, it didn't bother me but after her adoption when she was still calling me Judi and her bio mom "my real mom", I must admit it hurt. The first time she called me "Mama" without hesitation, I cried so NO I don't want my name changed!

 We are surrounded by people, including ourselves, with infertility issues who have longed, dreamed, prayed, and cried for a baby but for whatever reason can't have one or can't have a baby survive the pregnancy and would give anything to be called "Mama" so NO I don't want my name changed!

 I don't care if my children call for "Mama" a 1,000 times a day because every time they say "Mama", it is my prayers being answered.  When they say "Mama", it is my fears being overcome with God's blessings.  When they say "Mama", my heart swells, my face smiles, my ears dance.  I will never grow tired of "Mama" and will NEVER want my name changed!!  I love my children and the name they have given me!

The Tale of Two Mothers

There are two mothers.  They are very different but share the love of one precious boy.  One mother conceived him, carried him in her womb, and delivered him.  She felt him grow in her.  She felt him kick.  She felt the pain of contractions.  She shares her genetics with him.  

The other mother doesn't share genetics but she shares his thoughts, dreams, loves, and beliefs.  She never felt the pain of contractions but she knows the pain of watching him struggle after a severe egg allergy.  She knows the pain of every hurt he has felt and every sickness he has had. She knows the pain of sitting up in the middle of the night praying over him as he is struggling to breathe due to an asthma attack.  She knows the pain of watching him cry with a confused look on his face as he is being taken away for a visit.  She never felt him grow in her but she has watched him grow from the time he was 2 days old and she brought him home from the hospital. 

One mother will get the privilege of watching him continue to grow, develop, and become the person God created him to be.  The other mother will say goodbye forever tomorrow.  

I must admit up until the last court date all I focused on was our family and getting our forever baby.  As I sat in court on a row full of people who love S with all their hearts, and looked over at the other mother sitting by herself on what had to be one of the hardest days of her life, my heart broke for her.  I couldn't imagine what she was feeling as she agreed to let us adopt him knowing she would never get to see him except maybe at Walmart or somewhere in town.  The thought of that broke my heart but also made me happy because that means he is going to be forever ours!  Tomorrow as he sees his other mother for the last time, yes I will be happy that there will be no more dreaded visit days, but I will be praying for her as she goes through the worse day of her life.  I will pray she will not let this be the end of her life but the beginning.  I pray she will know that he will forever and always be loved and cared for!  I pray for two children who will never get to see their brother again.  I pray for them as they go through life knowing they have a brother out there.  I pray for S that he will know he is loved by two women and that he is where God wants him.  

"However motherhood comes to you, it's a miracle." Valerie Harper, Adoptive Parent

Back to the Real World

Tomorrow I go back to work! 😢😥😩😭 I remember when I first started teaching, I was so excited about going back to work.  I would spend a month before school dreaming about how my room was going to look and what I was going to do in my room.  I would spend all day everyday that we were allowed back in the building, before we had to, setting everything up.  Then I took on a new label of Mommy and I have yet to dream about my classroom.  I didn't spend but a few hours 3 days last week working in my room, and I am on the verge of tears just thinking about having to go back.  I LOVE staying home with my kids and would do anything if I could.  I have had the honor of watching my children grow so much this summer.  Hannah has learned new things such as making a beautiful scarf, making a delicious dessert, and many other things.  Monkey is learning and saying new things everyday.  He took swimming lessons this summer.  His vocabulary has exploded.  He says "amen, happy, bible, kitty" and a lot more.  He is also saying complete sentences. I hate the idea that I'm not going to be with him as he continues to learn new things.  What I hate the most about going back to work is having to do work at home.  It really bothers me that I have to tell Hannah I can't play with her or miss out on holding and caring for S because I have to do schoolwork.  If I decide to play or care for my kids, then I constantly have the list of work stuff in the back of my mind so I can't really enjoy my time with my kids.   I am really going to try to do all my work at school and bring nothing home.  

Don't get me wrong, I do look forward to seeing what students I will have the privilege of teaching this year.  I can't wait to watch them grow and learn new things and I will be positive, loving, and nurturing to my students.  I will treat them all as though I have a room full of Hannah's and S's.  I will remember that I could be the only positive in their lives.  I will be the best teacher and Mommy that I can be!

Hannah's new scarf that she made on the drive home from Walmart.Hannah's delicious Oreo Goodness

Hannah and S at Tryon Palace.  We had an awesome vacation in New Bern and surrounding areas.

Snuggling with Scout because we took his paci away.

Monkey with his new lunch box. He is growing up way too fast!!!!  His food allergies is another reason I would love to stay home with him.  It makes me so nervous that he is going to eat something  he is not suppose to eat or get cross contamination with foods he can't eat.  He broke out this summer after I ate a cupcake at church and went to mom's to get Monkey and kissed him.  I will be praying daily that I don't get a call about him having an allergic reaction.

Thank You, God!

Thank You, God!

The Simple Things In Life

This weekend I have become aware that we are wasting so much money on buying toys for the Monkey.  He is so happy playing with simple things instead of the expensive toys he has.  He will spend 15-30 minutes taking things out of my purse and putting it back in.  He has spent a long time two different times within the past week playing with coupons. I really think his favorite toy is a water bottle followed very closely by baoons (balloons).  He got so upset Sunday because Hannah, Roxanna, and Lanie didn't want him with them so we bought him a balloon.  He played and played with that thing.  He ended up popping it but loved every second he had with his baoon.  He even had the cashier and a few customers commenting on how he was reacting.  Before going to Walmart Sunday, Monkey and I caught lightening bugs for the first time.  He was so excited and it was even raining. Monkey had the best time tonight playing with the pots and lids.  He discovered bubbles this week and LOVES them along with the rest of us.  He will spend hours "reading" books.  It looks like God has blessed us with two readers. Hannah's favorite things to do is read and make things with Duck Tape.  I think I will learn from my kids and start enjoying the similar things in life.  

I read the below picture this weekend while I was holding A sleeping Monkey.

He never let his baoon get far from him!

Playing with coupons!

Chasing bubbles!

Enjoying homemade blueberry bread and smiling at Lanie!

Sitting in his $8 Elmo chair playing with a water botle.

Talking to Scout!

Watching Winnie-the-Pooh!

I Can't Imagine

I have spent tonight holding S and thanking God for giving him to us. We are getting so close to terminating his bio mom's rights and any named/unnamed fathers.  He should only have one visit left and then we will move on closer to the end of the road of adoption.  I have said on this blog and on Facebook that ______ was the worst/hardest day of my life.  The ______ could have been a visit day or something with his allergies, eczema, asthma, etc but I have been so blessed that I could call those my worst days.  Within the past two days, I have read about a family who adopted a little girl, cut her umbilical cord, brought her home from the hospital, loved her as their own for over a year, only to have her ripped from their lives and placed with her bio father that she did not know.  That would be the worst day!!!  I can't even imagine how the past 2 years have been for them and their little girl.  I know how awful it is for Monkey to have to go to visits even with us promising him he will be back in a few hours and him knowing the people he was going with. At least when Monkey leaves for a visit, I know he  is coming home.  I can't imagine the fear this child has gone through and the heartbreak of her parents.  I have also read of families who are having to watch their children/babies die of cancer.  That too would be the worst day to be told that your baby has cancer.  We have also learned that a close friend has cancer.  Another worst would be learning that after tons of tests the doctors can't explain why you can't get pregnant and why the two times you have the babies have not lived.  These would be the worst days of anyone's life.  I feel so blessed that God has given me Hannah and Monkey.  I will take visit day, breathing treatments, and any other thing we have had to endure to NEVER have to face the horrible things other people are going through.  Thank you Lord for blessing our lives with these two miracles!

Now a few pictures of our precious, healthy miracles.

Final day of swim lessons!

My beautiful nieces and my babies!

My Smurf girl and my thinker!

Sibling LOVE!!!!